Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Embracing the suck....

I think it's time I started to embrace the things that suck about my body right now. Yes, this is a whiney post. But I haven't done one in a VERY long time, so here goes.

Right now, my body sucks. I love that it has now grown 2 children and is currently nuturing DS2 with my milk. I love that. What I don't like is how MOST women who breastfeed don't have a period the entire time....well I am not even 6 weeks post partum yet and I THINK mine is trying to come back. WTF?!?! With DS1, it came back at 7 weeks but at that point I had started to give up breastfeeding with him, so I understood THEN. But now?!? We're going strong and it's going pretty good so I shouldn't be having a period. Grrr....

Why is it that most women who breast feed the weight just melts off of them? But me? I'm gaining! WTF?!? I have a friend who is BFing her baby (she's 9 months old now) and she can't gain weight...it's just coming off of her. AND she is one of these people who does NOT need to lose weight. She's trying to gain and she can't! SO NOT FAIR!!! She eats full fat cheese, drinks whole milk, NOTHING low fat or low cal EVER and she can't gain weight. UGH. It's people like that who drive me nuts. Why can't *I* be that way? Why can't the weight melt off of me!?! For once, why can't something go the way it should with my body???

I'm even on Synthroid for my whacked out thyroid and I'm still not losing. It's sooo unfair! I even had a "controlled" gain with this pregnancy. My goal was 39# or less...I gained 38. The recommended gain is 25-35, so I was just fine with 38. Most of my "fat" clothes still don't fit, yes I did get into a pair of capris the other day but they were tight. I wore them b/c I am so sick of maternity clothes. And a shirt? Forget it. My boobs are DD now (was a C before I got pregnant) and I am fine with the boobs...but in order to wear a shirt it has to be an XL, so I wear a lot of DH T-shirts.

I'm just having a bad body image day. I soooo hate my hair and I can't wait to cut it off but I have told myself not until I get to 159. I feel like I will NEVER get there! I go back to the doctor next week for my check up and I plan to ask her a few questions then. But I know the answers to most of them. I have to keep telling myself "you just had a baby" but some days that doesn't make it any better!

BUT...I am trying to embrace it. Notice I said TRYING?? Yeah, it's been real hard today. I NEED to go buy some clothes that fit and make me feel better but I just hate to spend the $$$ when they hopefully won't fit for very long. I need to just let it go and know that I am feeding another human being so I should just let that be the #1 priority right now. But it's so very hard. Ahhh....

Sorry for the whiney/bitchy post, but I needed to get this off my chest. I promise my next post will be a happier one. :)


Superjayman's Battle of the Bulge said...

Hang in there girl.....the weight will come off. I know what it's like to have those sucky body image days. It will pass. Even though you may have to spend some $$$, go buy yourself a couple of outfits that actually fit. Spend some moolah on yourself. Hopefully, I will be seeing you in a few days....I will find out tomorrow and will call you asap!!

XXOO---your BFF

MMalloy said...

1. You are right in that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. You DID just have a baby and you are his source for nutrition.

2. We all have bad self image days and I believe it is healthy to get it out and share it. If I hadn't come to "blogger" and shared my emotions and concerns I never would have had the strength to keep on track and reach my goals.

3. YOU WILL BE 159! I know you can do this, you carried a growing human for 9 months, you can do ANYTHING!

Steph said...

Awwww - I feel your pain. Right now I'm stuck in the fat suit that is pregnancy. I don't look pregnant just fat.....hate it! Don't worry though.....you got the weight off with your first son and this time will be no different. You know what to do and if it makes you feel any better, one of my friends who had her baby about a week after you is struggling with losing. In fact, she is gaining too......I think our bodies just freak out but never fear, things will get back to normal soon.

Oh and don't forget about the lovely thing called hormones....they have huge impacts on our bodies.


Miss July...not...yet said...

Oh, I so understand exactly waht you are saying.
(i have to first say how I laughed when I read your title b/c it is a military term and I hear it often.)
Anyhoo, you are amazing. Seriously. You have 2 beautiful kids, you are nursing one and taking care of him with your body and how amazing is that? You totally took charge of your pg and decided how much you will gain and you managed that! You take great care of your family and that shows in the way you talk about them all.

Now, as to understanding how you feel. I so get that. I hate the way I look still and the problem is, even at my thinnest (142) I could still find things to complain about. I think alot of it goes back to my mom and the "you'd be so pretty if..."
Honestly, I am really inspired by you. You are to a point that I am not sure that I will ever be at. Yes, our bodies will continually let us down, but there is so much more taht we miss about ourselves. I suppose I should listen to my self...
Sorry this is so long and rambling.

Candace said...

Amanda: First, don't wait for anything. Get a couple outfits and get your hair cut NOW. The better you feel about yourself the easier this journey is. If you don't want to spend too much $$$, get hubby to watch the kids and go to a couple of second-hand shops.

Waiting for a trip will make it all the sweeter. Besides - aren't you going south in September to celebrate your birthday?