Monday, January 28, 2008

Am I wrong?

This is kind of a bitchy post, but I have to get these thoughts out here.

Last week, I was talking to MIL on the phone. She informs me that she took the week of DS bday off. DS birthday is 4/28. My due date is May 4, with a tentative induction set for May 1 if no baby by then. Now, in the past she has taken this week off so she can have DS for a few days but NOT on his birthday. That is my day with him. But this year, ALL of that is different. There will be NO WAY in hell that she can have him b/c #1--I can not travel at that point (MIL lives 2.5 hours south of us and we usually meet about halfway) and #2--I AM DUE THAT WEEK! DUH!

Okay, so this past weekend we visit "home". Sunday before we leave, my mom makes a comment to DS that after the baby gets here she will just bring him home with her (again...2.5 hours south) once we bring the baby home. WTF?!?! I told her no way in hell. Then DH pipes in that he thinks that's what his mom is planning too. I'm sorry but you are NOT taking my baby away from me just b/c baby #2 arrives! This poor boy--his world is going to be turned upside down as it is. To take him away from us just b/c there is a new baby--that is just plain WRONG!!!!!!!!!! The last thing I want is for him to think he's been replaced or that we can't have both him and baby #2 around. But still for my mom and MIL to think they are just going to whisk him away for a week--I DON'T THINK SO!

Then my mom says to me, well apparently you haven't had your 2nd kid and I have! I said yes you did, but you know what? Your mommy came and stayed with you after you had your babies--that's what I want MY mommy to do! Well her mom (my granny) didn't work. Who cares?!? My mom has vacation time. And yes, I said all of this to my mom. I am just so ticked off at this whole thing. I mean really!! I am a little ticked at DH for not speaking up to his mom (I wasn't there or I would have, believe me!)

I just don't understand how they all can think this is okay? DH will take a week off of work (or maybe more) to stay home and we will ALL be there--it will be our bonding time, just the 4 of us. Then I figured my mom would would come up and help me out for a couple days when DH goes back to work. Mom said yesterday we'll just make the plans once the time is here. I told her--it doesn't matter if we make them now or then--DS is NOT leaving. PERIOD. So am I wrong in my thinking??

I KNOW it's going to be rough. I realize this. Sleepless nights, nursing, and a toddler. But hey--it was rough when DS was born. And then we got zero help--no one brought us meals or helped us out or cooked for us. This time I expect a little bit more help and I will vocalize that too. I'm just dumbfounded and ticked that they think this way. Why couldn't MIL have asked us what we had planned? Why couldn't she have taken the 3rd week of May off instead of DS birthday week?? With her job, once you put in your vacation time (especially a week) you can't change it. STUPID! I know she wants to spend time with DS for his birthday, but it makes things VERY hard on us to get him to her and then get him back in time for his birthday and have his party and then his party at school....ugh. But no one ever asks us what WE want. They just assume! And this year it's ALL different. His party is April 5th (maybe I won't tell her about that part--just kidding!) and at my appointment the next week, we will probably look at an induction earlier than May 1. I'm just so frustrated with all of this. Makes me sick no one ever asks us. Idiots.

On a brighter note....this is the last week of my 2nd trimester. Next week starts the 3rd and final trimester. Less than 14 weeks at this point!

Any of you out there who say it's a girl--I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!! All weekend, everyone kept saying it's a boy. THREE people said girl. 3! Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE another boy. LOVE it! But at some point, I want a girl. And I'd rather have that sooner than later. It just puts more pressure on DH for the next one. :) And we still can not come up with a girl name. DH is STUCK on Izzie. I like the name, but need a good middle name to go with it. But I don't LOVE the name. I love Eva, but DH doesn't. It would be so much easier if we knew the sex of this baby....but we don't. Sometimes, I regret not finding out, but most of the time I like to guess. I'm just glad we don't live near our family or they would drive me crazy with their guesses!

I think I've rambled on long enough today. I hope this makes sense. I'll try to post a picture from my friend's baby shower this weekend. She doesn't even look pregnant. She's jealous of my belly! HA! That's a first :)


Swizzlepop said...

Now remember this is coming from someone who has not had a child so I am speaking strictly as an unbiased person who has read some books but never been PG or had a child ;). It sounds like you might just be a little hypersensitive (due to hormones) and misinterpreting you mom and MIL trying to help you. I recently read a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage and they totally talk about similar situations and now the new mom goes into mama lion mode and wants to protect everything and show that she is in charge and that this happens to all new mothers and that the mama lion thing never goes away which means your mom and MIL are also mama lions and trying to help and protect their brood. I'm sure I'm getting something slightly wrong but it is a great book for couples thinking about having a child and parents who are abotu to have #2 or more because it addresses a lot of issues that apparently come up.

I do think that both you mom and MIL should have discussed things with you before just making their decisions and maybe just offered help and asked when YOU wanted their help if at all, but instead it sounds like they just want to help YOU and didn't think about the new family bonding with the 4 of you. Try not to be mad at them because it does sound like they are both just really wanting to help you and give your DS some special grandma one on one time. I say talk to each of them and express your feelings but also thank then for offering to help and then tell then what would help you and when. Good luck and yay for being almost there.

Calyn said...

Here is my blogger site for the pic:

Jynell said...

Now I KNOW that pregnant women HATE to hear that they "are being overly emotional because of their hormones"- so please forgive me for saying I think that may have something to do with PART of it.

as to the MOST of it... BOTH of the moms are DEAD WRONG for just ASSuming that they are going to walk in and take over with whatever time frame they want to run with YOUR family!!!

Of course you still want to have your son with you on his birthday! What kind of a message would it send to him if you didn't! "The baby isn't even here yet & mommy's already too busy for me- even on my special day!" DON'T lose that battle!

As far as when you have the baby, IF you are induced, it would be nice for one of the moms to be able to keep your son- OVERNIGHT- not all week. Your son should be one of the first to meet his new SISTER or brother in the hospital, and the four of you should have some special time alone there too. (Even if it leaves Grandmom in the waiting room for twenty minutes!) That time is so precious & magical- DON'T miss that!!

As to the rest of the week, I'm sure that your DH is more than capable to keep your DS while you're in the hospital. (If he isn't it's a good time to learn b/c he'll need to know!) Besides that, it will be special bonding time for the two of them- and YOU- you need to rest in the hospital! I didn't think so either, but I did end up putting the 2nd & 3rd babies in the nursery at night & was VERY thankful that my DH had to care for other kids instead of spending all day hanging out in a tiny room keeping me from a good nap like he did with our first!

I think you need to talk with your hubby so that you are a untied front. Discuss what you want & what you definitely do not! Then you & your husband sit down with (or call if you have to) each mom & tell them that you've talked about it & that YOU (as a couple) have decided that this- whatever it is- "this how they could be the most helpful to you. We understand that you had some other plans, but after thinking it through TOGETHER, this is what's best for our family".

If one or both refuse, that's sad & disappointing that they let their pride get in the way of helping their son/daughter & their grandkids. BUT, don't let them manipulate you into doing it their way- you will resent them for it for a loooong time (as well as reinforce the idea that they can make the decisions for your family!) If they refuse, find ways to fill in for whatever they can't/won't do. Have a good friend or a good friend of DS on call for a sleepover if you go into labor or for the date of induction. Your son will have more fun with a friend anyway. If they can't help you at home afterwards, then start now & just double & freeze one recipe a week. By the time the baby comes, you'll have plenty of meals to just toss in the oven. Also, DH will have to step up & help out a bit more with DS & things around the house. (I'm not saying he doesn't now necessarily...)

Also, you will be surprised with how quickly & how much comes back to you with your 2nd. It is MUCH easier, and you may find (as I did) that you don't need/want an extra person around the house getting in your way.

In any case, I think this comment is quite long enough... I'm sure you have other IRL friends you can ask baby advice from, but if not... you can always email me! :D (((HUGS)))

Courtney said...

Ok, so here is some advice from one of your pregnant blogger buddies. Hormones or not (and trust me I am living, breathing, and crying hormones every day!) you need to take charge of this situation. This is YOUR family. This is YOUR new baby and YOUR son and YOUR hubby. You tell these people exactly what your needs are and exactly what you are hoping to get from them. Clearly, they need to travel to you and clearly you need to make a schedule for them. I don't care how bitchy I sound but I reached a point in life (right before my son was born) that I made a firm decision this was the one thing I will make about me and my family. The wedding was all for them. The showers were all for them. The travelling hours and hours and hours at all the holidays was all for them. The birth of my child will be about me and my family. Your body is going through trauma. Your family is going through major major changes and you need support. This is not about them and their needs and the fact they've had more children than you and know more than you this is about YOU. You HAVE to stand firm on that. This is NOT a time in your life for anyone to tell you what YOUR plans are. Seriously. Call it hormononal rage, call it whatever you want but I hear ya sister. Holla' to the mommies to be out there!!!

On a lighter note, I love all your names and the right one will just come to you! We know we're having a girl but really have no plans on deciding a name until the little squirt is out and the name is just calling out to us! We have some ideas and will probably go with one of those, but it all works out!

Good luck!!!

Courtney (formeforlife)

Renee said...

Wow... your MIL sounds just like mine. As a soon-to-be mom to 3!!! (in June) I have to recommend that you trust your mothering instincts (hormonal or not) and do what you feel is right... keep Big Brother with you... ESPECIALLY right after Baby #2 comes home. You're right about not wanting him to feel replaced, you want him to feel like a part of the big event. Also keep in mind that a sibling is a huge adjustment for him and the sooner you get back to a normal routine at home, just the 4 of you, the better. Spending time at Grandma's only prolongs that crutial adjustment phase. Dig your heels in, stand your ground and insist that the help come to you.

Candace said...

Been there and did not get the support I was looking for. Suggestion: Ask each of them to come stay with YOU for their week off. I was fortunate that Mom was around 20 minutes car drive away. I arranged for her to take Ci the NIGHT I was delivering. That's it. Also, the pediatrician from the hospital, who knew I had a 5yo at home, asked my if I was nursing. I said yes, so she said the baby seemed a little jaundiced and needed to stay. HA! Bless her soul.

You may appreciate the break, but they can do their thang just as well at your house. Maybe you can even ask them to do a bunch of cooking for the freezer while they're there. Work it, girl.

MMalloy said...

Congrats on the end of trimester 2!!! That is so cool and I can't believe it's so close!
I'm not even going to try to give advice becuase I don't know anything, but I do think that you have very valid reasons to be upset.
Anyways, boy or girl they will be loved and so lucky to have a great family. (I still think girl though!!). [[[Hugs]]]

Steph said...

Hey there girl - FIRST I'm sending girl thoughts to you!! You need a pink version of DS - LOL!

Second, while I completely agree with you about no one ever asking your opinion and just making assumptions - they probably really just wanted to help. You know how mom's get when there is a new baby coming.....they all want to feel needed and like you can't do it without their assistance. In reality, you and DH will be fine and I think DS will be so excited and anxious to help!

At any rate - hang in there. Everything will smooth over. Don't dismiss your feelings though - you have every right to express what you want - this is YOUR family after all!

Okay - girl thoughts, girl thoughts, girl thoughts!!!

Melanie said...

Girl I totally think you are right. It is wrong for them to assume anything! They should be asking you what you would like and making sure that your wishes are followed. And this is coming from a girl that doesn't have kiddos yet. (We start trying in May!)

But go with your gut. Hang in there and any time you need to vent we are hear for you!!